Bear Says…

Da Bear...

Hey now! The Bear’s back. After a short hiatus due to some reoccurring gastroenteritis, I’m here to spread more of my lamentable blabbery.
Well its that time of year again, time to call your bookie and dip into jr’s college fund, thats right, its Super Bowl time! As my good friend Vu Nasty puts it, A Holiday for Men. Albeit its a sunday, so technically its just the weekend, but I’m not here to argue semantics. I’m here to talk about Super Bowl parties.
How many of us have shown up to a SB party empty handed. You walk in and the hosts says to you “who the fuck are you!?”, but besides that, what did you bring?!
I’m here to give you mooching suns a beetches a couple frugal alternatives, this way you’re not hung out to dry like the social pariah that you are.

Step one, find yourself some kind of quikie mart or circle k-ish connivence store. You now have a plethora of expired crap at your finger tips.
Here are my top five last minute SB edibles.

5. Vinikies in a blanket: Get yourself some twinkies, next a can of vienna sausages. Take dem lovely little wieners and shove ’em in that hydrogenated soybean ferrous sulphate deliciousness, BOOM! taste explosion.

4. Chili Cheese Corn Chip Casserole: Well its probably not a casserole, but when you roll up and tell those a-holes it is, they won’t know the difference. Get yourself a bag of public school grade corn chips, don’t buy that name brand bullshit, you’re just throwing your money away. Get the granny goose crap, now thats value you can taste! Next get yourself one them plastic nacho chip containers, fill that shit up with chili. LOTS of chili! Dump that GG corn chip bag in there and pump that bad boy full of process cheese. If habib starts giving you lip, tell him you’re making freedom! Suck it habib! Then nuke that freedom platter for 2 min. While you’re waiting, check out he latest issue of King Magazine. Viola! you got yourself a Chili Cheese Corn Chip Casserole.

3. Sugar Hookah Blast: Get one of them 700oz tanker cups, then fill that vat up with your fav Squishee flavah! Get a hand full of straws and BOOM! You got yourself a sugar hookah blast. Why call it hookah? Cause is sounds cooler poindexter!

2. Râler le saucisson: SAY WHAT! Thats French for Beef Sausage ya ignoramus. Actually the literal translation is moan the sausage but who gives a shiet! Ask Apu to give you the oldest beef dogs he has in the back, nuke ’em for bout 5 min till they burst and rip open like fist of the north star. Cut those babies up into bite size morsels and shove stir sticks in ’em, BAhBAM! Whors d’evours!

1. Bacochos: This is the coup de grâce. The death blow. You walk into a SB party touting this culinary masterpiece, you’re guaranteed brain. No questions ask, straight “on yo knees butt naked please”. This one is simple, nuke 5 packs of bacon until crispy. Next lay those prefect strips in a nacho container. Pump copious amounts of process cheese and chili beef on top. Garnish with jalapenos, onions, relish, twinkies, ho hos or whatever else you find. Have fun be creative, there is no wrong way to make Bacochos. SHABLOOOM!! That right there is SB party killah!

That concludes the top five last minute Super Bowl edibles. Just remember, have fun, be creative. No ones probably gonna eat that crap anyway, which only means one thing… more for you.


Bear Says…

Bear Says…

In the Gregorian calendar, it’s the 2010th year of the Common Era, or Anno Domini; the 10th year of the 3rd millennium. Or it could just be another excuse to drink and have promiscuous sex, i’m guessing you don’t need an excuse for that now, do you. That begs the question, how many people actually have one night stands on new years eve?  According to the site more than half the people surveyed have admitted to having a one night stand on new years eve, but it gets better, 48% admitted to bumping uglies with a friend on NYE. Which brings an idea to mind. Lets say you’re single and ready to rock the NYE party scene. Get together with your friends and designate an “If All Else Fails eff buddy”. That way you won’t be left out of the shenanigans. The only word of advice would be… don’t look each other in the eye when you wake up the next morning. Other than that, enjoy and have a Happy New Year!!!

Bear Says…


Ah my first guest blog. Hi I’m bear, i go through stupid mundane adventures. Here is one of them.

So i took spin class today. Before i took the class i went to costco to finish up some christmas shopping. I had a slight rumbly in me tumbly so i grabbed a costco hot dog. One hot dog and a drink for $1.62! come on! really! how do you resist that. Of course me having bad pipes and all, I start burping in spin class.

So here’s the thing, no ones afraid of their own brew right! So I’m burping away not noticing the digested rotten hotdog stench coming from my mouth. In the corner of my eye i could see this girl next to me, waving her hands in front of her face violently. When i say violently i mean she almost fell off her bike. Took me a bit to put it together, thats when i realized those were my burp stinks she was trying to fan away!


For a second i felt embarrassed, then i saw how dramatic she was. What a attention whore, she kept waving her hands in front of her face like it was tear gas. So i burped more, covertly blowing it towards her. The more i blew the harder she waved, it looked like there were bees attacking her, it was great! It was especially fun during the intense sections of class, she nearly fell off waving her hands.

As the class progressed the stink burps decreased . After finishing our cool down we rolled our bikes to the back of the room. The attention whore and i crossed paths. I was a bit nervous knowing that she knew it was me. We both stopped and looked at each other, she gave me an icy stare. Right on cue i snuck in a silent burp and let it out through my nose. She let out loud “THAT IS DISGUSTING!” Using my burp as a diversion i darted past the yoga class coming threw the door. My escape was successful. As I left I could hear her gripes and complains growing distant, I thought to myself “what a bitch!”

What’s the moral of the story kids? Don’t be a bitch!