Hey now! The Bear’s back. After a short hiatus due to some reoccurring gastroenteritis, I’m here to spread more of my lamentable blabbery.
Well its that time of year again, time to call your bookie and dip into jr’s college fund, thats right, its Super Bowl time! As my good friend Vu Nasty puts it, A Holiday for Men. Albeit its a sunday, so technically its just the weekend, but I’m not here to argue semantics. I’m here to talk about Super Bowl parties.
How many of us have shown up to a SB party empty handed. You walk in and the hosts says to you “who the fuck are you!?”, but besides that, what did you bring?!
I’m here to give you mooching suns a beetches a couple frugal alternatives, this way you’re not hung out to dry like the social pariah that you are.
Step one, find yourself some kind of quikie mart or circle k-ish connivence store. You now have a plethora of expired crap at your finger tips.
Here are my top five last minute SB edibles.
5. Vinikies in a blanket: Get yourself some twinkies, next a can of vienna sausages. Take dem lovely little wieners and shove ’em in that hydrogenated soybean ferrous sulphate deliciousness, BOOM! taste explosion.
4. Chili Cheese Corn Chip Casserole: Well its probably not a casserole, but when you roll up and tell those a-holes it is, they won’t know the difference. Get yourself a bag of public school grade corn chips, don’t buy that name brand bullshit, you’re just throwing your money away. Get the granny goose crap, now thats value you can taste! Next get yourself one them plastic nacho chip containers, fill that shit up with chili. LOTS of chili! Dump that GG corn chip bag in there and pump that bad boy full of process cheese. If habib starts giving you lip, tell him you’re making freedom! Suck it habib! Then nuke that freedom platter for 2 min. While you’re waiting, check out he latest issue of King Magazine. Viola! you got yourself a Chili Cheese Corn Chip Casserole.
3. Sugar Hookah Blast: Get one of them 700oz tanker cups, then fill that vat up with your fav Squishee flavah! Get a hand full of straws and BOOM! You got yourself a sugar hookah blast. Why call it hookah? Cause is sounds cooler poindexter!
2. Râler le saucisson: SAY WHAT! Thats French for Beef Sausage ya ignoramus. Actually the literal translation is moan the sausage but who gives a shiet! Ask Apu to give you the oldest beef dogs he has in the back, nuke ’em for bout 5 min till they burst and rip open like fist of the north star. Cut those babies up into bite size morsels and shove stir sticks in ’em, BAhBAM! Whors d’evours!
1. Bacochos: This is the coup de grâce. The death blow. You walk into a SB party touting this culinary masterpiece, you’re guaranteed brain. No questions ask, straight “on yo knees butt naked please”. This one is simple, nuke 5 packs of bacon until crispy. Next lay those prefect strips in a nacho container. Pump copious amounts of process cheese and chili beef on top. Garnish with jalapenos, onions, relish, twinkies, ho hos or whatever else you find. Have fun be creative, there is no wrong way to make Bacochos. SHABLOOOM!! That right there is SB party killah!
That concludes the top five last minute Super Bowl edibles. Just remember, have fun, be creative. No ones probably gonna eat that crap anyway, which only means one thing… more for you.
WHO DAT NATION!
